D&C 6:36

As previously stated, life is hard.

The past 7 days have kind of been an emotional aftershock

It all started last Tuesday when I found out that I was pregnant!

A month ago I was convinced I was - I seriously had all the symptoms, it was crazy.

But I wasn't {still not sure what was wrong with me...}

When we thought we were having a baby {last month} We were so excited!

We hadn't planned on having a baby right away, but we realized that this was what we really wanted. So after a lot of praying and fasting, and going to the temple, we both decided that it felt right. I know you all think we're crazy, but this is what we want.

I've wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember and when we felt like the Lord approved we decided to go for it.

{I know there's still some of you out there that think I'm already crazy because I'm 18, I just got married, and I want a baby - but you know what, its not your life, its mine, and if I feel good about it, and my husband feels good about it, and most of all if we feel like the Lord approves then that is our deal not yours. Thanks for your concern but we know what we're doing

- sorry, I'm just a little sick of hearing that I'm 'ruining my life' etc...}

So we were both very excited when last Tuesday we got a positive!

We celebrated by getting our favorite food

{In-n-Out, lame we know...}

And went to down town Provo where there's a grassy area and we had a little candle-light dinner with Martinelli's of course ;)

The next day {Wednesday} we called our parents just so excited.

My mom asked how I was feeling, and I told her good, just tired, and lots of cramps

{I didn't know that's not normals - I've never been pregnant before}

Thursday started out just a normal day, but by 10:00 I was not feeling good.

I was tired, and just didn't feel myself. I started bleeding - a lot.

And then I was in the most pain I have ever been in!

I came home and just cried and screamed, and I was all alone because Jeremy was in class and I couldn't get a hold of him, and it was just, it was the worst experience of my life.

An hour of being in so much pain, but not being able to do anything about it and knowing that I probably wasn't going to have a baby.

Finally Jeremy got home, and he got me to sleep for a little bit.

He said he'd never seen me sleep so peacefully.

That afternoon I felt a lot better, but I was still bleeding a lot.

I got my blood tested and my hormone level was at an 8

{Pretty low, but I'd only been 'officially' pregnant for a couple days}

Saturday I had my blood drawn again, but I was pretty positive I wasn't pregnant.

Its weird, they say pregnant women have a lot of intuition about things like that, and I kind of have a glimpse as to what they mean. On Tuesday I definitely felt different than Saturday.

I don't know how to explain it, maybe I'm just making it all up. Who knows...

But this morning I got a call from my nurse and my hormone level is a 2

{To be a miscarriage it has to be below a 5}

So we're not having a baby any time soon.

Its been hard to go from so excited, to despair, to realizing this baby wouldn't have been able to survive. Trying not to blame myself, and believing that someday we will have a baby, and yet knowing it'll be a few months {if not more} til we do.

I've been trying to really trust that my Heavenly Father is in control, and that He knows what's best for us. My two favorite scriptures deal with trusting in the Lord.

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct they paths"

Proverbs 3:5-6

"Therefore, fear not, little flock; do good; let earth and hell combine against you, for it ye are build upon my rock, they cannot prevail. Behold, I do not condemn you; go your ways and sin no more; perform with soberness the work which I have commanded you.

Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not.

Behold the wounds which pierced my side, and also the prints of the nails in my hands and feet; be faithful, keep my commandments, and ye shall inherit the kingdom of Heaven."

D&C 6:34-37

I don't think I've ever had to exercise so much faith. So far my life has been pretty easy, and now I've really had to reach out and trust the Lord.

Even though this has been a hard week, I'm so grateful that Jeremy and I have each other, and that together we are growing closer to each other, and to the Lord.

The Lord doesn't give us trials for no reason. He wants us to grow, and to become strong, and He will never give us a challenge we can't face.